It is with a very heavy heart that I write this blog.
On Dec 1, 2011 we lost our baby. Being surpised pregnant with this new baby was nothing short of a miracle. We didn't worry about a thing the whole time. We just felt it was ment to be. God showed us that we could get pregnant on our own. Our pregnancy was realitivly uneventful. I was sick with morning sickness the 1st 12 weeks or so and had to take medicine. I've always heard that having such sickness ment the baby would be healthy. Yet another old wives tale. We found out a couple of weeks ago that our baby was going to be another girl. We started making plans to get a new crib, new toys and started talking about names.
I went in for a routine visit to our perinatologist, hoping to verify the sex and see our little girl move around. It was just me and Emery because my hubby had to work. I didn't think anything about it. That was when I heard the words I truly never thought I would ever hear in my life. "I'm sorry to tell you this, the baby has no heartbeat." I was told these things happen, it happened in the last week or so, the baby is starting to have some demise. So much that I don't remember. I just remember the Dr leaving the office and calling my husband. Barely inking out the words and hearing the terror in his voice. I don't remember the drive home and as much don't remember the next few days.
Our OB talked to us about options and we settled on being put to sleep and letting her take the baby out. I went into the hosptial. I don't rember going to sleep, I barely remember waking up and going home. I have layed around while dealing with the pain both physically and emotionally for the last few days. Today is my first day being on my own with Emery. She is what gets me through the day. Without her I think I would have gone into a depression that I don't think I could get out of, and at this moment I wonder if that can still happen.
Our second daughter Kristen Frances was born at 3:45PM on 12/01/2011. Our sadness cannot be expressed. I pray that God has wrapped her in his arms and told her of how her parents loved her and wanted her and she was just not ready to be with us.
2 comments:
Hey Crysti - You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Mark's in Raleigh and I've visited your blog a few times and marveled at your incredible journey to have Emery and the surprise of the new pregnancy. Your posts are always so sweet and heartfelt and they bring me right back to when my kids were little. The time goes so fast, even though some days seem to drag on and on and you're tired and stressed out. It really is the blink of an eye that they're little and with you so intimately. You know everything that goes into their body, everything that comes out. You wash everything before they touch it, feel things to make sure they're soft next to their skin, taste things to make sure they're not too hot, try to make their world as safe and comfortable as possible. And then they fall off the counter and you realize how fragile it all is and it scares you and makes you feel vulnerable. It doesn't ease up as they get older. The things that scare you just change, that's all. And that's both the beauty and the heartbreak of being a parent.
I want to express to you my sadness at the loss of your baby girl and the hope that you'll come to a place of peace about it. She did exist, she'll always exist in your heart because you'll never forget about her. I lost a 15-week pregnancy when I was 19. I didn't understand how profound the loss was until I became a mother a couple years later. It is your child from the moment you know you're pregnant. It's the idea, the plans, the realization that your family is now 4 instead of 3. You put it perfectly in your blog post. Your blog is such a great gift for Emmie and she'll love reading it when she's older....all of the little milestones and the way you felt growing into being her mother. It'll help her deal with all the feelings when she becomes a mother, too. She's so lucky to have you for a mom.
Sorry this is so long, and I hope I'm not weirding you out by commenting like this, but I just really wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and sending my positive thoughts of love and healing. :)
Laura
Laura:
Thank you so much for your comment and words. They are very kind and I appreaciate it more than you know. It does not weird me out in any way!
Crysti
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