Sadness for our lost miracle.

It seems like yesterday we found out that "surprise" we were pregnant with a miracle baby. After everything we went through to have our Emery, who is an IVF baby and being told our chances of ever getting pregnant on our own was less than 2%, we did it, without trying. My DH and I were so surprised and in shock when we found out. It took a while to get use to the idea of having another baby. My due date was May 5th, but my Dr scheduled my c section for April 24, 2012. Which is tomorrow. Everything was going great. I was very sick for our new miracle and was put on medication to keep the sickness at bay, just so I could function and take care of Emery. We were just starting to get things organized for changing the guest room to a baby's room and had only the week before look at bedding and new furniture.
Two weeks before my Perinatologist apt, my OB did a scan and said we would would probally be having another girl. My hubby while disapointed about not having a boy, was still happy to be having another baby, a girl. We started looking at names. And I thought possibly we would get confirmation at the Perin. apt.
I was 17 almost 18 weeks along when I went to the Peri. apt. It was just me and our Emery. I thought nothing would be wrong, we would just see everything. I mean I was just at the OB two weeks before and everything looked perfect as far as she could tell. That's when I found out that my Darling Miracle Daughter was no longer with us.
I have been in a foul mood for the past week and now the sadness is creaping up. I want to scream and cry for the loss of our little girl. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to love her as much as a Mother can love her child. I want to smell her and tell her that I love her so much. I want to know why it happened, what happened. I want to know she didn't suffer and that she felt my love. I pray to God that she is in heaven and loved by family members who are holding her until I can get there to be with her. I talk to her in my prayers. I don't know if I will ever get pregnant again, or even if I want to be pregnant again. I am so scared it will happen again and I don't know if I could make it through another time.
Happy "Birth"day Kristen Frances. Mommy would have loved you so much.